My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”