friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Taliband
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes