Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”