I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Google reviews are always so mixed..