new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?