To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
We’ve come full circle
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.