[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.