[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.