Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no