The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
that’s really how it is
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.