When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?