sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me in tagged photos