Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
You Might Also Like
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
our love story in four pictures
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
every. time.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Clients after you give them your rates
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.