Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆