I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.