Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A bold strategy
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes