I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food