What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.