I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”