I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
the rocks need my help
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?