Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Every. Damn. Time.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
A French press is when you hug naked
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.