[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief