When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Just me and my debit card against the world
screw you
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time