Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
she has a smile full of sesame seeds