Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“you changed” bro i was 15
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The cashier just checked me out.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.