Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.