If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Tony Hawk, age 6
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.