Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.