*jingles half the way*
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia