Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches