They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier