If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
New mindset, who dis?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.