Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Sign of the day..
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.