“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.