I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Watermelon Boss!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Somebody call the cops.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.