Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery