Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Holy crap this is wonderful
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road