What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.