Tammy is short for Tamuel
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therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
i wish we could shoplift online
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.