*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
i spent way too long on this
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.