Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.