You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
IT’S-A ME,
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
termite twitter scares me