Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee