Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?