Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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huge if true: the moon
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ