the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day