Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
You Might Also Like
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip