Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.