It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
sistine chapel
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.