The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.